I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
