I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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