life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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