he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
