"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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