She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
