Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
