tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
