i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
