dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
