I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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