Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
