so explain again why im purple
no
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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