There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
