i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
