He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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