whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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