glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
