but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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