I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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