i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
