just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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