my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
