i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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