I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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