apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
