Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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