I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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