if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
