I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
