How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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