meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
