there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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