Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
