It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
