Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
