Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
