I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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