you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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