So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
