Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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