She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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