I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
