I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
