What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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