Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
