If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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