Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
