Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You're like the curious george of whores
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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