The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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